The Problem Is Not The Victim

 It's International Women's Day today and we're in the middle of outrage about sexual assault here in Australia. So, while I usually avoid controversial subjects here, I'm making an exception for this topic.

I'm not going to talk here about specific allegations currently in the news for obvious reasons but it seems we need to take a serious look at the way we view sexual assault and to put to rest forever the myths that surround it. The thing about sexual assault is that it is rarely committed in a place where there are witnesses which leads a certain and alarmingly large proportion of the public to say 'Well, it comes down to he said, she said' and from that follows the assumption that without independent witnesses we can never really know the truth. It's nonsense of course. If it was the case many murders would never be solved, would they, with the main witness - the victim - being unavailable and yet they are. 

There's also an assumption that women lie about sexual assaults from some desire to get back at men. The victim - male or female - is the one whose credibility is attacked, is shamed and has the most to lose. Why would most people want to put themselves through this? Since it's generally acknowledged the vast majority of sexual assaults are never reported and of those that are - estimated to be somewhere around 10% of actual assaults - only 5% of that 10% are found to be false we're left with an extremely tiny number of false reports. There's an interesting report on sexual violence in Australia here and it's reasonable to infer that it's similar in other countries.

Another pervasive myth is that rapists are strangers to their victim. While there certainly are rapists who prey on strangers they are a very small minority. Overwhelmingly rapists are known to their victims, often close contacts. 

Then there's the suggestion that's frequently levelled at the victim who is blamed for somehow causing their attacker to attack them. This disempowers the victims and is one of a number of reasons why so many sexual assaults are not reported or are withdrawn before it goes to court - and why many of the women who do report rapes don't do so until long after the event. The close to 90% who don't report these assaults to police just live with the consequences often internalising shame and guilt with serious and life long effects.

To give you an idea of just how common these assaults are and what can happen to the victims I'm going to share some examples that I know of personally. Several years ago in the same six months period three women I knew - one a friend and two others in my workplace - told me of being sexually assaulted.

The first was an old friend - an intelligent, educated teacher who had gone out with some family members and friends of the family. The group had ended up at her uncle's home where she and one of the family friends were the last to leave. Her uncle had gone to bed leaving the two alone in the living room and the man had grabbed her, thrown her onto the sofa and raped her. She was so shocked she just picked up her things and left and when she came to see me the next day she was still very distressed. I offered to go with her to the police but she couldn't face the thought of talking to men about it so I put her in contact with the Rape Crisis Centre operating in the city. She fell pregnant as a result of this assault and had an abortion, something she found very difficult to come to terms with, and which affected her relationships for the rest of her life.

The second woman was young - in her early twenties - and she told me how she had been assaulted by her older brother from the time she was five until she was sixteen. She had been too afraid to tell anyone - her attacker had told her terrible things would happen if she did - and she had been misdiagnosed with a mental illness because of her withdrawn and self destructive behaviour. She had been put on antipsychotic drugs which she said had made her even less able to resist. At sixteen she had a new psychiatrist and told him what was happening. Her attacker was sent to prison but she still lived with the trauma and her parents had enormous guilt at not having realised what was going on.

The third woman was in her early thirties when I knew her. She had been to a party where she had fallen asleep after having drunk a lot of alcohol. She woke to find a group of men lining up to take turns raping her. She felt a terrible sense of responsibility for having got drunk and ending up in such a vulnerable position even though she knew logically her attackers had no right to do what they did. She didn't go to the police either.

The fact that three women in my very ordinary and relatively small circle of friends and acquaintances had  been assaulted - and these are only those who felt comfortable in talking to me about it in one six month period - surely shows that this is not something rare. How many others are there in this group who have not told me about their assaults, have not told anyone? 

We need to do better in dealing with sexual assault so that women don't have to choose between living with the consequences or going through the process of reliving the attack multiple times - with the police and in court where insinuations are often made that imply that they are in some way responsible for what has happened to them. That victim blaming still happens even in the wider community was brought into the public eye here again last week when women training to be soldiers were advised by their commanding officer to stay safe from sexual predators by avoiding the four As - alcohol, being out after midnight, being alone and most disturbing, by being attractive. 

One problem according to men, especially young men, is what constitutes consent. The cup of tea video put out by Thames Valley police in the UK is one way to work this out but equally important is for men to understand is consent needs to be enthusiastic. If the woman is asleep, drunk or reluctant this is not enthusiastic consent. Even if she freezes and can't or doesn't say no this is still not enthusiastic consent. It's really quite simple and comes down to respect.

It's clear that many in the community are still struggling with the fact that the only person responsible for a rape is the one doing the assaulting so I hope that the current outrage continues and forces a change in public thinking. It's long overdue.